Log 3

c: Nov 03, 2023

Sorry, folks. Missed a log yesterday. It was an extremely sad day; thus couldn’t do anything significant. Other than that, there are certain things my brain says about me. These are illusions that wrap around the head, creating a state of confusion and false perception. For some reason, this brain doesn’t know when to shut down and when to focus. It is distracted and worried. There is always uncertainty about things. I do not know what I want myself, and the brain wants to maximize survival. In the current world, survival relies on what humans coin as “money.” It is some representation of trust that allows people to do things, get resources, and survive one more day in society. Other than that, it has no inherent meaning. Nonetheless, it is important.

This one log is not about productivity. Barely managed to do anything today other than fix minor issues in slides, go through some emails at work, and have some conversations with colleagues. Then, there was this position that got offered, but it has some huge risks which should be evaluated. Maybe it is necessary, maybe it is not. I do not know and I do not want to know. Other than that, things are fine here.

Moving on to the money, maybe this new offer relates to that. Deep inside, there is a desire to want more of it, and there is nothing immoral in wanting money. Having slightly more of it is always good and assures some freedom and mobility because it allows for some security and a sense of control. Life has more aspects than just surviving. But hey, we need to live to see another day.

Life is simple, and being in the moment is really more important than all other things. Over time it will be more gentle. My brain likes to think really stupid things about it and fabricate lies based on observation. It only sees what has happened and wants to extrapolate thoughts, trying to fill in the data that is out of observation. Why wouldn’t it? When all this time, it relied on this constant worry and anxiety to survive. Now I want to take over the mind. Therefore, there is an ever-growing battle between self and the mind. It is wild. It might sound lunatic, but these words are like meditation to me. I write things here once and then never look back at them again.

Like the universe, where everything is made out of dust, these words go into the void and will be scattered across the universe in the form of energy. The energy once consumed to be written, to be saved, and to be distributed. And once this exercise is done, there is nothing but calmness in the head. This process of writing is a form of letting go. It feels lighter after each moment and freer with every next word.